You do find yourself between a rock and a hard place here because if you help her she doesn’t approve and if you don't help her she doesn't approve.
It seems like she is still not over the rejection of her first relationship, and therefore she will do anything to ensure that she does not get rejected again – she would rather do all the rejection this time round.
Of course this is not fair on you. You need to accept that no matter what you do, you cannot change her. You can tell her you love her, and you can do things for her, but if she does not love and accept herself nothing you do will change the situation.
A long-distance relationship demands a lot from both parties - especially trust and openness. If she is not prepared to be open and honest with you about how she feels, then she will treat you like dirt, no matter what you do for her.
Here are your options:
· Continue with the relationship, and understand that nothing you do can make her change. Will that make you happy? I don’t think so – you want to see her happy.
· Continue with the relationship and encourage her to get counseling for her depression and for dealing with her issues from the first relationship. She may not like this option, because it sounds like she feels entitled to make your life a misery purely because she sees her life as misery without you. What will you do if she refuses to get counseling and continue to treat you the way she does?
· Put the relationship on hold until you live near enough that you can see her as often as possible. Tell her that the relationship is causing too much strain for you to deal with right now, and that you don't believe you are good for each other at the moment. Tell her that you need to focus on getting everything in place so that you can move closer to her and offer her the best once you are together again. She may not see this as a solution, and she will probably be devastated and think you are leaving her, when you are not. On the other hand, it will make her confront how she feels about you, and she may realize that her behavior is not helping anyone and that she may lose you if she does not change.
· End the relationship and recognize everything you have learnt from your experience with her, for example that giving does not necessarily result in receiving, you cannot change another person with all the will in the world, you cannot help a person who refuses your help and they are entitled to refuse if they feel that is right for them, and I am sure you can add to the list. However, you are so totally committed to this relationship that I don’t think this is an option.
Whatever you decide, this is a major life lesson for you. Do not see it as punishment. Take a step back and rather focus on how this relationship has helped you to discover things about yourself.
To read more about dealing with relationship issues: