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Saturday, 31 January 2015 16:58

My Long-Distance Relationship Is Failing

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I met this incredible girl when I was in college, and I really care deeply about her.  It is a second relationship for both of us.  Her first relationship was long-distance.  He started cheating on her after a few months, and she had no idea about it.  She even went to visit him and as far as she was concerned they were very happy.  He then dumped her just after her birthday. 

I knew her at the time but our relationship only started a while after hers ended.  We were very happy initially, but then I finished my studies.  Because of finances I had to move back home, and this means I am only able to visit her every two months. I am now saving money so that we can move in together soon.  We do communicate regularly with IM, video and phone, but it is not the same.  I feel I am losing out because I cannot see her face or hear her voice, and that causes misunderstandings that turn out to be quite hurtful for both of us. 

She still has her studies and she works two jobs to earn some money.  She comes home late at night when her family is already asleep, and she has nobody to talk to.

I am very concerned that she is more and more depressed, and on top of that she is turning into a nasty piece of work - even her friends complain about her behavior.


I really want to help and support her as much as I can, but I feel like I am walking on eggs every time I speak to her.  In this way her stress is getting to me.  She is now playing this game where she is blaming me for not knowing what is wrong with her, and also not telling me anything – she shuts me out and I feel she is destroying all the closeness we had.


You do find yourself between a rock and a hard place here because if you help her she doesn’t approve and if you don't help her she doesn't approve.

It seems like she is still not over the rejection of her first relationship, and therefore she will do anything to ensure that she does not get rejected again – she would rather do all the rejection this time round.

Of course this is not fair on you. You need to accept that no matter what you do, you cannot change her.  You can tell her you love her, and you can do things for her, but if she does not love and accept herself nothing you do will change the situation.

A long-distance relationship demands a lot from both parties - especially trust and openness.  If she is not prepared to be open and honest with you about how she feels, then she will treat you like dirt, no matter what you do for her.

Here are your options:

·         Continue with the relationship, and understand that nothing you do can make her change. Will that make you happy?  I don’t think so – you want to see her happy.

·         Continue with the relationship and encourage her to get counseling for her depression and for dealing with her issues from the first relationship.  She may not like this option, because it sounds like she feels entitled to make your life a misery purely because she sees her life as misery without you.  What will you do if she refuses to get counseling and continue to treat you the way she does?

·         Put the relationship on hold until you live near enough that you can see her as often as possible. Tell her that the relationship is causing too much strain for you to deal with right now, and that you don't believe you are good for each other at the moment.  Tell her that you need to focus on getting everything in place so that you can move closer to her and offer her the best once you are together again.   She may not see this as a solution, and she will probably be devastated and think you are leaving her, when you are not.  On the other hand, it will make her confront how she feels about you, and she may realize that her behavior is not helping anyone and that she may lose you if she does not change.

·         End the relationship and recognize everything you have learnt from your experience with her, for example that giving does not necessarily result in receiving, you cannot change another person with all the will in the world, you cannot help a person who refuses your help and they are entitled to refuse if they feel that is right for them, and I am sure you can add to the list.   However, you are so totally committed to this relationship that I don’t think this is an option.

 Whatever you decide, this is a major life lesson for you.  Do not see it as punishment.  Take a step back and rather focus on how this relationship has helped you to discover things about yourself.

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Elsabe Smit

Elsabe Smit is a well-known author, clairvoyant, and public speaker.

Elsabe helps people to understand the mysteries of life and Love, so that they can regain control of their lives. What would you like to resolve?

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