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Sunday, 07 June 2015 15:24

I Need To Move Away From My Parents

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Question:

I am 23 years old and have lived with my parents all my life.  When I started going to college, I had no say, and I am still living with them.

My parents are immigrants and both speak passable English and have jobs.  They give me no freedom.  When I was in college, my mother wanted copies of my time tables and class rosters.  If I was more than 15 minutes late home from class, I would get hysterical voicemail messages and an earful when I got home, with accusations and demands to know what I was up to.

A few years ago I went on a few dates.  I lied to my parents about having extra classes at college, because I knew they would not understand.

My parents tell me all the time how they do things pout of love for me, but they make such a fuss of all my ‘transgressions’ that they only succeed in making me feel unworthy.  They want me to still be a little girl who stays home all the time and look after them, not having a life of my own. 

They always have a reason to find something I could have done better.  I have good grades and a good part-time job, but no social life and no friends. 

My sister lived at home until she was 25, and then moved out when she got married.  Whenever I even hint at moving out, she tells me how selfish I am, and my parents get all emotional and tell me how they need me and that they have always hoped that I would look after them when they are old.

I really want to live my own life in my own space.  I feel smothered and less like an adult every day.   I want to take care of my parents, but I don’t want to sacrifice my entire life doing so.  How do I move out without hurting their feelings and feeling guilty?  I know it will not be easy for me initially to live on my own, but I cannot be unhappier than I am now.

 

Answer:

 

You are in a situation that every parent needs to face at some point - when they realize they need to let go of their child who has become an adult.

Your parents will probably find it more difficult than most parents to let go, because they chose to move to a different country and at some point decided that it was too much effort to continue to adapt. Instead, they lean on you to carry the load on their behalf.

I would suggest that you decide for yourself how much contact you want to have with your parents in the future, and then make your plans accordingly.

If you want to make a clean break (in other words move away and only see your parents occasionally and on your terms) I would suggest that you identify some support for your parents in your community, e.g. their friends, the church, a community center that they will feel comfortable with, and speak to some people who can give support to your parents when you are not around.

I would ignore the guilt trip from your sister who would love you to shoulder the full responsibility so that she can lead her life.

Speaking of guilt - no matter how much your parents sacrificed for you, they chose to do so and of course you will be grateful for the rest of your life, but that does not mean you must sacrifice your life in return.

When you move away, you can probably expect your parents to be very angry and even to refuse to speak to you, but that will be their choice.  You are no longer a child, and you can make your own choices.

On the other hand, if your parents will drive you mad with phone calls, you may want to get an additional phone and listen to your parents' messages only when you choose to do so.  That means you will still have contact with them, but you will also be able to lead your own life.

In my experience this is the kind of decision that benefits all, even though people may not agree. Without you your parents will have to take full responsibility for your life - but at the same time without your parents you will have to take full responsibility for yourself.

Above all else, continue to love your parents, no matter what you do and no matter what they do. That will help them most of all, and it will also help you feel good about yourself and strong while you start to build your own life.

Read 1021 times Last modified on Tuesday, 07 February 2017 09:09
Elsabe Smit

Elsabe Smit is a well-known author, clairvoyant, and public speaker.

Elsabe helps people to understand the mysteries of life and Love, so that they can regain control of their lives. What would you like to resolve?

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