I often wonder what it is that makes a relationship a winner … and I am afraid I cannot give you a glib answer, because I don’t think that there is one single answer.
I believe that a relationship is a contract between two souls that they enter into before they are born. It does not matter whether they are married or not – a marriage contract is part of this dimension, whereas a relationship is the result of a contract that was concluded without signatures in another dimension.
I recently had the opportunity to observe various couples, and they confirmed for me that a relationship is a disguise for another agenda.
The first couple claimed to be good friends. The lady is a good friend of the family, and the man is recently widowed. I had only met her once, and before the man arrived with his family, she went out of her way to explain to me that she was a good friend of his deceased wife, and she helps the family where she can. Why was it important for her to tell me this?
Then the man arrived. I did not want to be in the way, so I moved to the other side of the swimming pool from where I observed them.
The body language of the two together told me that not only were they not “just friends”, but that the feeling was mutual. His adult children were also there, and even though it is less than a year since their mother passed away, they were friendly and receptive. The man is prominent in his profession, and I will watch the newspapers for the wedding announcement …
I then encountered a married couple with a small son. It was obvious that they both adored the child. It was also obvious that there was something else going on there. She is a black woman from an exotic island in the Antipodes, and she is very beautiful. When I looked at her, I wanted to cry because of the sadness around her. She was not only terribly homesick – she clearly was at a loss.
Her older husband is a mixed-race South African who spent most of his time outside of the country. His dream was to “retire” by changing one very active career for another very active career, and he approaches everything he does with zest and enthusiasm – and alone.
It did not take him long to spill his guts to me – probably because when I met him, I made a comment that resonated with him. It turned out that she was disillusioned with her “African dream”, and he was disillusioned with her disillusionment. He was also fully aware that he misjudged when he thought he had captured her heart – while she had left her heart somewhere else and she was pining.
I wanted to hug them both and tell them everything will be OK, but I am not so sure of that. They have a beautiful child to raise together, and they will do it, but I cannot imagine that either of them will be happy as long as they live under the same roof.
In this instance the contract between them has nothing to do with living happily ever after. It has everything to do with integrity and dealing with change and challenges – much more than it has to do with love. And the challenges have nothing to do with their mixed-race marriage. In this country that is no longer an issue.
The third couple I observed also have a mixed race marriage. He is Italian and probably immigrated to South Africa when he was a small child. She is what is known in South Africa as “coloured” – in other words, with white and black ancestors. My impression was that they fell in love when they were both mature (and probably after failed previous marriages) and they are so happy that I felt like crying with joy when I saw them together. They both radiate goodness. Uproot them and put them in any other country, and they will settle down with zest and win over all the locals with their enthusiasm for life. They will keep their sadness about being childless to themselves and discus that in the darkness of the night, when they are snuggled in their own cocoon against the world.
Every single relationship has an agenda. It is very seldom that the agenda has to do with superficial things like race, age or gender. During the relationship, the two partners rub against each other – like smooth river stones until they fit together perfectly, or like jagged rocks until either they are smoother together, or until the river of life lets one of them flow away while the other remains stuck. The agenda has to do with more important things such as integrity, respect and self-respect, adapting to change, managing challenges together, growing separately and together, and finding that place where your heart opens up because of the place where you are and the person who is with you.
I have seen those as well – like the two middle-aged men who walked hand in hand, looking radiant, the long-married couple who cannot keep their eyes and hands off each other, and the mature couple preparing for a second marriage when they both believed that they had had their one chance of happiness when their spouses died. Believe me, they have their own challenges, both as individuals and as couples.
Love is Love.
Do swine eat pearls? Of course, I am asking the metaphysical question. If you want solid proof, please don’t feed your own pearls to real pigs. Rather search the internet – if someone has ever tried it, Dr Google will have a record of it.
Sometimes one must ask questions such as these, just to get some sanity and a reality check on a situation.
I have over the past year had to reassess quite a few close relationships in my life. I will give you a brief outline, but you will have to believe me when I say that these events shook my world and made me reassess many things that I had taken for granted all my life.
The first event related to an online friendship that turned real and then into a disappointment – I in fact became an online mistress, and then realised that I had been exactly that for at least five years while I was telling myself that I was simply nurturing a beautiful friendship. The only way for me to put an end to it, was to walk away and no longer respond. I still cherish some of the most beautiful memories you can imagine, but the experience made me question my own judgement.
Of course, when it comes to friends and lovers, we all at times question our own judgement and we all at times are very wrong about people. Why do we have these experiences – especially when we are good people? I will get to that later.
The second event related to my best friend finally succumbing to a self-destroying addiction and the unbearable heartache of watching this happen over years and being totally powerless to do anything about it. My mother was not a joy to behold at the best of times – she made it clear that she hated me from my first memories. With this woman I had a second mother and best friend, and it was one of the most meaningful relationships I ever had – and she became family from the moment she married into my family.
Her daughter also became a very good and valued friend, but then committed fraud. All this came to light after the death of my friend, and the poor woman was vilified by people who should know not to judge, and who had seen her true nature for years but still judged her when she could no longer defend herself.
For me, family is very important, and I had to walk away from an entire family that I took on as my own over many years. I trusted people that were not worthy of my trust, and I loved people who turned out not to care about me at all.
But still, I chose to let these people into my heart and into my life, because I saw the good in them. I was wrong with some of them, but I chose to walk away from all of them. Why leave the opportunity to have your nose rubbed into what was immensely hurtful by remaining friends with some while avoiding others? It was not pleasant.
As if all this was not enough, an inheritance was involved. There is an old saying that an inheritance brings your background to the foreground. Believe me, that is true.
So – you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family, they say. I am afraid I now have to disagree.
When you reach out to a friend for years with regular contact, simply asking how they are and remembering their birthdays, and you get nothing in return, something is wrong. If that friend does not even reciprocate by asking once in twenty years out of their own how you are, something is wrong. If that friend makes it clear in many ways that you are not relevant in their world, and even ask you why you keep contact with them, something is wrong. Why would you even try and nurture a friendship in such circumstances? You would have to be very needy and emotionally disturbed to keep trying to remain in contact.
But for family, you would do it – or at least I did. Then, suddenly, when an inheritance was involved, I was the source of communication, the peacemaker, the middleman who had to fight fires on all sides, and the one who got blamed for what was not of my doing. I continued to reach out, because this was family, and family look after each other, no matter what.
Then a major family event – which required a gift from me – was communicated to me by text, because the value of the expected gift was obviously less than the value of the inheritance which warranted more phone calls to me in six months than in the previous thirty years. That finally opened my eyes.
Swine can and do eat pearls.
It is right and good to love and cherish relationships – both with friends, lovers and family – and it is good to give people the benefit of the doubt. However, when they finally chew you up and spit you out, then you walk away, do introspection and take the wisdom from the experience. You don’t hang around and delude yourself into believing that things will get better.
For me the wisdom from these experiences is that even unconditional kindness is not always reciprocated. The human experience is conditional. Over the years friends have become family, and family have distanced themselves because even having a simple friendship was asking too much. Some people live according to their beliefs and values, and others have never heard of the universal law of “say what you do and do what you say”. Some people will grow and become inclusive, and other will remain judgmental and petty until the day they die.
I cannot change people. I cannot change the way they view their world. It does not matter whether these people are family or friends. That is how it is. Where a situation becomes unbearably painful because what you believe and what the world – and the players on the stage of the world – show you are in such conflict, for me the only solution is to walk away with love.
Will I now stop loving people and stop giving them the benefit of the doubt? Probably not – I don’t believe my nature will change overnight – just like the nature of the people I leave behind will not change. That is how it is. Will I allow the people who abused my kindness and treated me like dirt to enter my world again? Of course. I have no desire to wish ill on anyone. However, I will not reach out and look for more hurt and trouble. If I encounter them in the street or on social occasions, I will treat them with the courtesy that most people deserve. I will not try to change them. I will simply move on and continue to live my life according to what I value and what makes sense to me.
You cannot fix a broken plate, and I will no longer pretend that it is possible to ignore the cracks in the plate. I can choose my friends, and on the same basis I can choose my family. I will not burn in hell, but I will rather continue with my eternal journey – just like they will, and I am grateful to all of them for being powerful teachers of powerful truths to me.
We are all here to fulfil contracts with our loved ones – contracts that we entered before we reincarnated. I have fulfilled my contracts with more people than I care to be reminded of over the past year, and it is time to take that wisdom and start a new cycle in my life, making space for new energy, new friends, new experiences. Namaste.
Are you planning to get married, and then you will focus on changing your spouse?
Or are you thinking about divorce, because your spouse did not live up to your expectations?
Are you planning to get pregnant so that he can marry you and grow up?
Or is the marriage not working and you think a baby is just the solution?
Elsabe Smit will give you a sure-fire recipe for averting disaster.
Tune in to The Elsabe Smit Show on Sunday 2nd April at 4 pm GMT using this link: https://www.facebook.com/AskElsabeSmit/videos
The show covers a range of topics related to the creation process, from becoming aware of your destiny, through shaping your thoughts and actions, to learning the wisdom from your experiences and practising forgiveness.