Hello Lovely People
Why is it that we hold on to relationships long past their natural end?
Think of a friendship that no longer exists. Do you still remember how your friend insulted or deserted you? You gained new friends, but you still feel that hurt.
Remember that supervisor who made your life such hell that you left to get a new job? You smile every time you think what a sad sod that supervisor is, and how much better off you are now. Or you still resent the opportunity that you missed as a result of that person, even though you gained much more from the new job than from the old one.
Then of course there is your marriage. You have known for a long time that there is nothing left of that relationship, but you still hold on. You cannot get a divorce – or so you have convinced yourself. You are dying a slow death every day because your partner refuses to change.
Probably the most destructive relationship to hold on to is a marriage, because of all the social and cultural restrictions against divorce. Somehow we share a belief that a marriage must last for ever, even if statistics confirm that most marriages do not last for ever.
If you end a marriage, does that mean your relationship has failed? That depends on what you take away from the marriage.
Let’s assume that you decided to end the marriage because you discovered your partner is cheating on you. Of course the cheating partner is wrong and should carry all the blame. Or maybe not?
Let us take a step back and look at the situation from a different angle.
You had particular expectations of the relationship. You made those expectations clear to your partner, who obliged and live up to your expectations. Everyone was happy and all was well. You were very pleased with yourself.
Then you discovered that your partner was seeing someone else. This of course was devastating. When you confronted your partner they had nothing to say, or they said “it did not really mean anything”, or they said “you won’t understand”.
Did you listen to that? Did you hear what your cheating partner was saying to you?
It is not pleasant to realise that the relationship was all about you and your expectations. It takes much effort and sometimes a large leap of courage to look at the face in the mirror and see who carries 50% of the “blame” for a relationship where one person cheated.
Cheating is only the symptom of the lack of communication in the relationship. Did you ever listen to your partner? Did you ever ask and discover what your partner really values?
Of course it is quite disappointing to discover that a person does not live up to your expectations. But in any relationship there are two people and they both have expectations. One person may have the vocabulary to express their expectations and values, while another person uses their behaviour to express their expectations and values.
More to follow.
Love and Light
PS: I am a professional transition coach. I help individuals and businesses to achieve their personal and commercial objectives.
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